This month was my year anniversary. March 12, 2015 to be exact. My anniversary of realizing I am a sinner. Now, I've always had head knowledge-I'm a sinner. But that was the day I felt deep down heart realization what a sinner I was.
The root of my sin? Self. Like all sin. Selfishness. Putting myself before Christ.
My selfish sin took on two names.
Anxiety & Control
I've always struggles with Anxiety. I really can't remember a time I wasn't anxious about something. I struggled with it so badly, that as a 3rd grader I was diagnosed with a heart condition called Supraventricular Tachycardia, SVT. Stress induced SVT. What 3rd grader has that kind of stress?
I was raised in a loving Christian home, went to Christian schools, married a loving Christian husband, have a beautiful child who seeks after the Lord. But still, there was Anxiety in my life.
The weeks previous to March 12, 2015 was when I realized Anxiety, the one that caused the SVT, the panic attacks, the obsessing over everything-was actually my need for Control.
Now this Control was not the need to be in charge, to be the boss of everyone. No, this was a need to be in Control of me and everything I had to do with. Control that prompted me to be Perfect, the need to do everything Perfectly, and anything less was unacceptable.
If Perfection was not attainable then Anxiety would paralyze me from moving forward. If the outcome was not what I had expected, then I would rack my brain and go over and over every other possible action that could have been done better to obtain that Perfect outcome. If the current situation made me feel out of control, Panic would overtake me.
Anxiety. Control. I was a slave to them. I was a slave to my selfish sin.
I remember many nights being on my knees, begging God to take away my Anxiety. Many nights with my husband by my side, praying for God's intervention. But He hadn't.
It was this same situation of Out-of-Control, Anxiety, Panic over imPerfection that again brought me to my knees. During the previous months, I had multiple life issues I was trying to Control. I had felt Anxiety taking a hold again. The more I prayed the stronger I felt those shackles dragging me down. This time not only was there the usually panic attack, but this time I actually had chest pain.
Looking back, I believe that pain in my chest was the answer to my prayers. Christ was placing on my heart the burden of all I was trying to Control allowing me to realize I could not bear this on my own.
Those shackles of Anxiety had literally dragged me down to my knees. In my Anxiety, tears, and pain, falling at the feet of Jesus, I begged Him."Please take this away! I cannot Control this! I cannot do this on my own!"
His words, "Nor do I expect you. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."(Matthew 11:30)
This time is was different. His words the same. But this time my words came from a place of a broken, burdened, and repentant heart. A slaved-heart who experienced the need for a Savior.
Now I was broken to the point where I was willing to follow where He wanted to lead me. That is where He was in control. He lead me to find help from others outside myself. He lead me down a road of complete-out-of-my-control and in His control. He lead me to a person I would not have chosen to help me. He lead me to people who helped me find in Christ FREEDOM from control and anxiety.
Through a painful process of realizing truly what a sinner I was-I am;
I found Freedom and Healing in the GREAT I AM.
On March 12, 2015, in Him and to Him, I stated:
"My Declaration of Imperfection"
The rest that followed help me realize on my own what a hope-less sinner I was. But in Christ, what a hope-full sinner I am.
“This is the covenant I will make with them
after that time, says the Lord.
I will put my laws in their hearts,
and I will write them on their minds.”
The root of my sin? Self. Like all sin. Selfishness. Putting myself before Christ.
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| Photo by Rosie Del Valle |
Anxiety & Control
I've always struggles with Anxiety. I really can't remember a time I wasn't anxious about something. I struggled with it so badly, that as a 3rd grader I was diagnosed with a heart condition called Supraventricular Tachycardia, SVT. Stress induced SVT. What 3rd grader has that kind of stress?
I was raised in a loving Christian home, went to Christian schools, married a loving Christian husband, have a beautiful child who seeks after the Lord. But still, there was Anxiety in my life.
The weeks previous to March 12, 2015 was when I realized Anxiety, the one that caused the SVT, the panic attacks, the obsessing over everything-was actually my need for Control.
Now this Control was not the need to be in charge, to be the boss of everyone. No, this was a need to be in Control of me and everything I had to do with. Control that prompted me to be Perfect, the need to do everything Perfectly, and anything less was unacceptable.
If Perfection was not attainable then Anxiety would paralyze me from moving forward. If the outcome was not what I had expected, then I would rack my brain and go over and over every other possible action that could have been done better to obtain that Perfect outcome. If the current situation made me feel out of control, Panic would overtake me.
Anxiety. Control. I was a slave to them. I was a slave to my selfish sin.
I remember many nights being on my knees, begging God to take away my Anxiety. Many nights with my husband by my side, praying for God's intervention. But He hadn't.
It was this same situation of Out-of-Control, Anxiety, Panic over imPerfection that again brought me to my knees. During the previous months, I had multiple life issues I was trying to Control. I had felt Anxiety taking a hold again. The more I prayed the stronger I felt those shackles dragging me down. This time not only was there the usually panic attack, but this time I actually had chest pain.
Looking back, I believe that pain in my chest was the answer to my prayers. Christ was placing on my heart the burden of all I was trying to Control allowing me to realize I could not bear this on my own.
Those shackles of Anxiety had literally dragged me down to my knees. In my Anxiety, tears, and pain, falling at the feet of Jesus, I begged Him."Please take this away! I cannot Control this! I cannot do this on my own!"
His words, "Nor do I expect you. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."(Matthew 11:30)
This time is was different. His words the same. But this time my words came from a place of a broken, burdened, and repentant heart. A slaved-heart who experienced the need for a Savior.
Now I was broken to the point where I was willing to follow where He wanted to lead me. That is where He was in control. He lead me to find help from others outside myself. He lead me down a road of complete-out-of-my-control and in His control. He lead me to a person I would not have chosen to help me. He lead me to people who helped me find in Christ FREEDOM from control and anxiety.
Through a painful process of realizing truly what a sinner I was-I am;
I found Freedom and Healing in the GREAT I AM.
On March 12, 2015, in Him and to Him, I stated:
"My Declaration of Imperfection"
I'm not perfect. I will never be. But Jesus is.
He makes me whole. Complete. Controls me. Not to be perfect and so I won't make mistakes.
But to Love. He loves me and my imperfections, and who I am even though I make mistakes. I choose not to blame my parents, or the way I was raised, or the path of anxiety and stress I choose in the past. Today and from now on I choose to Love Jesus. He will help me process my imperfections, not to make me perfect. But to Love me. Always love me....
But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, and since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool. For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.
The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says:
“This is the covenant I will make with them
after that time, says the Lord.
I will put my laws in their hearts,
and I will write them on their minds.”
Then he adds:
“Their sins and lawless acts
I will remember no more.”
I will remember no more.”
And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.
Hebrews 10:12-18 (NIV)
He, the Perfect Lamb of God, came down to this earth, in the beginning created perfect as He intended. But now after sin, a place where men prefer darkness, instead of Light. He came to this earth, lived, died, and arose back to life. It's because of this sacrifice that He can offer me Freedom.
When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: “Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.
Revelation 1:17-18
Since my year anniversary I have stumbled and even fallen. I still struggle with the sin and shackles of control. But, now that I have experienced Freedom. I don't want to stay there.
For I know who holds the keys. I remember I'm not the one who needs to be in control.
For I know who holds the keys. I remember I'm not the one who needs to be in control.
No. Christ is.
Because of His dying love for me He chose to take my place. He chose death on a cross.
Because of this.
He's the one who gets to be in control.
So, for me, instead of being a slave to anxiety & control...
I choose to be a slave to Christ.
For the love of Christ controls [me], because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
2 Corinthians 5:14-15 (ESV)
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| Photo by Rosie Del Valle |
~ kartini r. maxson
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