I'm Waiting...

Journal writing has been a part of my walk with God. 

Sometimes I write a list of things that I can be thankful for along with people and things I'm praying for. 

Sometimes I write conversations I have with God. 

Sometimes I write my thoughts and feelings about a Bible passage I've read.

Writing after read the Bible is usually where I feel I have been gifted with a glimpse of God's incredible character and grace in my life. At time's it's been beautiful, humbling, and inspiring. Other times raw, emotional, and hard to understand. When I look back at the words I've written, either way, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by God and who God it. 

There's this song I love, "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave

I see the work of Your Hands
Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming 

I hear the sound of Your Voice
All at once it's a gentle and thundering noise oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming 

I delight myself in You
Captivated by Your beauty
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desire of our heart" Psalm 37:4

When I look back in my journal this is exactly how I feel. I love this feeling. I feel so close to God. I wish I could always feel that way. 

But, in my life that's not always the case. Often I get busy. I want to take a shower, I want to get ready for work, I want spend time with my family, I want to plan for Sabbath School, I want to spend time with friends, I want to clean my house, I want to do laundry, I want to do yard work, I want to just sit and rest. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by life. I don't feel like reading the Bible or writing in my journal. And that's when I find my alone time with God is the first things that get cut out. 

I want to spend time with God, to spending time in the Word. I want that overwhelming desire and emotion to be in me, that will compel me to do it. But it's not there, I can't seem to just want to do it. I need something.

Romans 7:17-23 MSG

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

This is exactly how I feel. I want to want to read the Bible, to spend time with God. But I struggle. 

Romans 7:24-25I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? 

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Yes. That's it. The answer, thank God, is Jesus.

I need to remember how I feel is just that. Feelings. Spending time with God is more that just wanting that feeling-it's about a relationship. A relationship in which He is the Constant and the Answer. And like it says in John 20:31(ESV)

 “But these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing, you may have life in His Name.” 

when I read these words I will believe in Jesus and have life in Him.

Yes, I want that feeling of closeness-of being overwhelmed. But in the mean time-I will do. I will spend time with Him and in the Word, I will read and I will write. Whether I feel like I want to or not. I will do it and I will ask Him to be my answer, to have life in Him, and I will wait. How ever long it takes. I will wait on the Lord.

But me, I’m not giving up.    I’m sticking around to see what God will do.I’m waiting for God to make things right.    I’m counting on God to listen to me. 

 Micah 7:7

~ kartini r. maxson