December Prayer Topic: Looking Back

Almost one whole year. Has it already been a whole year? 

Looking back. Thinking back to January, thinking about that one word. That one-prayed over word-that would be the focus of this year. The year with You. The year in You.

That word-Expectations

Remembering the moment that word came. Like most other things, when seeking after Your will, it came in Your time. Like before, not the word I had wanted, not the way I wanted it to come. But Your word, the way You wanted me to know it. 

So expectantly, I waited to see what You would do with that word in my life. 

That word, that when it came, I knew it was the one. I knew You were going to have a hard time chiseling away me-my expectations. I hoped in that one word, more would come. More words You would speak to me. Then I forgot. I forgot about that word-that prayed over word.

Your word, I should have laid up in my heart and soul, binded it on my hand, had it as frontlets between my eyes. Your word, I should have taught to my child, and talked of it when sitting in my house, and walking by the way, and laying down, and rising up. I should have written Your word on the doorpost of my house and on my gate* that I would have seen it every time I walked by. Your word, that I should have remembered.

Did You do it? Did You do what I had wanted-what I had expected You to do with my life-with my word?

No.

No, You didn't do what-I wanted. 

You did what-You wanted.

You exceeded my expectations.

Even though I forgot our word-our prayed over word. You didn't. You never do. You keep working on me. You have a plan for me. 

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.

 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
 and lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
 it is high; I cannot attain it.
    
Psalm 139:1-6 (ESV)

You know me-knows me better then I know myself. You have reminded me this year, it's not about my expectations-it's about Yours. It's not about my plan-it's about Yours. 

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.
 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16 (ESV)

What You want for my life, is far beyond what I could ever expect, imagine, want for myself. 

You want to me remember that You are God and i am not. 

Yes, i fall short, i forget, i am not. 

But, You are.

You are the I AM

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!

 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139:23-24 (ESV)

~kartini r. maxson

* Deuteronomy 11:18-20 

photo by kartini r. maxson