One Word?
Easy.
Merriam-Webster definition of easy?
Easy
\ˈē-zē \
easier; easiest
Definition of easy
1a: causing or involving little difficulty or discomfort
b: requiring or indicating little effort, thought, or reflection
This is what I wanted. Lying in bed, tear-soaked cheeks. I wanted it to be just a little easier. For the first in time in my relationship with God, I was having it out with Him. Yes, I’ve been overwhelmed, sad, feeling like my relationship may not have been as close as I have wanted it to be. But this emotion was new for us. I was so angry and frustrated, not just at the situation, but actually at God.
I’ve told other’s “He can handle your anger and frustration” and in my heart, I believed what I was telling them. But we-God and I had never been there. Not like this.
Last year I had been praying and intentionally trying to practice our word “abide.” Learning to practice His presence in the every day, connected to the vine in every situation. Trying to allow Him to be part of every thought, every decision. I found how easily distracted I am, but how gracious, steadfast, and reminding God is. He led me to read books, have conversations, hear podcasts, learn in Bible study about it’s not about perfection, but the process of Him working it out in me. And I had moments where I not only believe it, but I felt it.
But, in that moment, I didn’t want him to be working out the process in me, it was too hard. Our family seemed to be being attacked on all sides, my health, my family’s health, the Paradise fire, work, the ministry plans that we had been working on for 2 years, everything seemed to be falling apart at the same time. I felt pulled in all directions trying to say “yes” to everything HE was asking for me.
As I laid there in bed next to my husband, I told him. No-I told God, I did not doubt His love for me, I did not doubt that He was kind to me, I did not doubt that He has good things for me. But I was afraid of what He might ask next of me. I was afraid He was asking too much of me, I could not do it. I was afraid because I did not want to say “no” to Him, and I felt if He asked one more thing of me, I would say “no.”
It was then that I realized my anger came from fear. Through this fear and anger, I challenged Him. I feel like I know His voice, and in the moment, He was choosing to remain silent. I told Him I was trying my best, I was trying to allow Him to work in me. I pleaded that He would just tell me what He wanted of me. I told Him how unfair I felt that He would say so little in the Bible about Enoch, the man who walked with God and was taken and would not tell us anything else about how he did it. I told him I wasn’t sure I could be caregiver, handle the emotion for the loss in our family, stress from work, the disappointment for a ministry seemingly failing after years for dreaming and planning. And knowing he was choosing to be silent, I called Him on it. “Now, when I’m pleading for answers when I need You to say something to me. You choose to be silent!”
“I JUST WANT IT A LITTLE EASIER!!”
 |
| Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash |
Silence. Nothing. In bed, sobbing as floodgates opened and tears came. In the stillness, God chose silence. Instead of speaking-He chose to hold me. In His infinite kindness and goodness, like the parent I wish to be, He allowed me to beat on His chest and He took it. He let me have it out, then wrapped His arms of love around me. He did not reprimand me for using that tone of voice with Him, He did not tell me how good I actually have it, He did not give me the answers I wanted. He just held me in His love.
As the sobbing calmed and remaining tears trickled down my cheeks. I felt a peace. It was the peace that He had promised and spoken to me just a few weeks before.
In the stillness, my husband wrapped his arms around me. “I don’t know what God wants from you. But I know he doesn’t want a robot. He wants to know what you want, what you can handle. He wants you to be honest with Him. He wants a real relationship with you.”
In the stillness, in the silence, I fell asleep, still unsure of what was next. But asleep wrapped in His love and peace.
The next morning, His still small voice came. “I sent you an example. I sent you My Son.”
Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
~kartini r. maxson
